wow. so i’ve had the final exams for form 5. and today was the first day of paper discussion.
i was super nervous this morning, or even last night, because i was really afraid of failing behind my expectation. i was afraid of getting a bad result for my two weeks of hard time. i was afraid to face the disappointment. i didn’t want to let my family, my teachers down. i really don’t want to. and above all, i don’t want to have that horrible, depressed, heartbreaking feeling as if the world had end when i hold in my paws a terrible result from my exams. i don’t want to let myself down. i’m afraid.
so when i was at school this morning, i could literally feel my hands shaking and a layer of cold sweat was covering my whole body. and when ms lo was announcing what was the highest mark in this exam an how was this class’s overall performance, i could feel that i was under a great deal of stress. i was extremely nervous. i couldn’t even describe how that felt, but it just felt so hard.
the moment i saw my marks, i was relaxed. like a huge stone had just lifted from my body. though i was still shaking like no others. i was afraid this was a dream and that this was not real afterall, and which still gave me shiver. I GOT A GOOD RESULT. good as for i was living up to my own expectation, and that i didn’t let myself down. and i was really happy that my teacher was happy. i didn’t know how my teachers thought of it, but at that moment, nothing mattered anymore. this was for me, and for me only. it was to give me a view of how i was doing in this area. and i think it is , by far, really good. i felt dizzy, and blissful, and i felt, HAPPY. truly HAPPY. it was really hard to describe, but yes, at that moment, i felt magical. i was also really happy that my classmates cheered for me. i knew not everyone was truly meant it, but i thank them no matter how, because that moment made me really touched. and i don’t want to forget those moments, ever. i want to thank ls lo for saying that in my writing, i had put my true feelings into it. and yes, you are right, those are really my true feelings. and thank you very much, for everything. with Him being there with me, i could always feel relax and secure.
i don’t want to compete with others. i really don’t. i want to compete with myself. myself is my biggest enemy. the ultimate aim of this, is to live with my own expectation and don’t let myslf down. because if not, i wouldn’t feel really terrible. i, in some occasions, mind that others were doing better than me, but this was beacuse i was angry about myself. i was angry at how bad i performed. i was frustrated because i knew i could do better, much much better.
and this is such a weird cycle. when i know i did bad, i would give all my heart and do my bestest for the coming exams or challenges, so as to do better and not to let myself down anymore. but when i get a better result this time, i would sort of being a bit too proud or ignorant and which, will lead me to another dead end, with poor results waiting ahead of me. i’m REALLY tired of this cycle now. i want to do good everytime, everytime. i want to have a good foundation, and good guides, which will only help me improve but won’t bring me down. i want to keeping building, but not fixing.
thank you, thank you, thank you. thank you for being there for me for the whole time. for giving me energy, giving me strength, guiding me to the right path, lead me … i can’t thank you enough in my whole life. i just want to say that without you, i really just couldn’t do half of this, i wouldn’t be able to have the energy, the faith to keep fighting, keep going, even when i was feeling so tired and truly wanted to give in. you saved me. and i really want to tell you that i hope you will be there for me for the rest of my journey, be with me as a partner, as a leader, as a guardian, help me through my hardship in life and not to lose myself. Amen.
i promise you, i will not be proud, i will not be ignorant, i will not look down on things, i will not make the same mistake again. i will get into university and study my dream subject, English. i will do better every time, i will not let you down.
i want to write down all of this, each and every detail of it, so i can remember it, maybe, just maybe, for a lifetime.